I was recently asked in a communication skills training, “How do we bring the two sides of our country closer together?” My response was simple, but sad … “I don’t know”. America has not been this divided in many years, maybe back to the Civil War – which was anything but civil! We have lost civility, respect, kindness, patience and understanding. Each side disrespects, distrusts and often despises the other. I’ve been thinking about this since that workshop and have a few thoughts to share. I welcome your feedback and suggestions. We need to move past this discouraging place.
In my leadership program I teach leaders that there are two keys to building trust:
- Really hearing what each employee has to say, affirming areas of agreement, and finding a kind and constructive way to share disagreement.
- Completely practice whatever it is you’re preaching.
I’m preaching kindness here, yet I’ve made many snide remarks about “the other side”. I have tried to reach out to some people I have a friendship with who are far to the other side, and have found that it’s too big a divide for me to bridge. As former President Obama recently said on the David Letterman show, we live in two alternative universes with totally different sets of facts. How can we possibly communicate?
Another part of the answer is in my conflict resolution and negotiations training programs – seek the other party’s interests, not positions, and you may find things you can support. I’ve tried that and I can find things to support, but I haven’t found a way to bridge the gap when talking with the “other”. Both sides want:
- To be safe and for their families and neighbors to be safe.
- Decent jobs with decent wages.
- America to be great (and as of this writing, it’s still pretty great, but fading fast).
The challenge is how we get there. How to find a consensus path to greatness.
One side focuses on inclusion, and government establishing basic rights to health, happiness and security. The other focuses on only taking care of U.S. citizens, and on individual liberty – give people the opportunity to sink or swim on their own and they’ll be stronger for it.
The first group believes:
- The deck is stacked against the working class and government needs to level the playing field.
- Stuff happens… and the best functioning people can end up in a crisis and need a safety net.
- Due to active injustice, some groups have suffered for a long time and are not on a level playing field to pull themselves up.
The other group says that outsiders have taken away our opportunities and decreased our safety and security. If we could get rid of them and go back to the good old days, we’ll be fine.
Somewhere in the middle of all that is consensus… but it takes trust to get there and that’s where I think we need to start. If we can be civil, and listen without speaking back, in public and in private, all the time!… we have a chance of slowly rebuilding trust that has been shattered. I know that’s a high bar and I won’t always stay there, but the more we practice, the better we’ll be.
I’ve been thinking about this for over a year. I posted a similar blog a year ago… and not sure this adds much, but I want to do what I can. I think a year later, I’m more grounded about this and hopefully more capable of implementing it successfully. Here’s the link to last year’s blog with some comments, if you’d like to read more. Please comment on the blog or email me your thoughts. I’ll share these thoughts anonymously.