The campaign season was like a war
On November 11th, a few days after the election we celebrated Veterans Day. It was originally called Armistice Day to celebrate the end of World War I and the treaty that promised to end all war, forever. As we’ve seen over and over… but never seem to learn, war can’t end war. Only peace can end war. War breeds hate and conflict, peace comes from love and connection.
This past election season felt like a war, with extensive anger, fear and mistrust. It has torn our country apart. People on one side, could not imagine how intelligent people could choose the other side. We became caricatures to each other.
What do we do now?
Many people who “lost” are feeling “we have to act”… but how, without continuing the war? I’m working on a project with a regional Quaker organization. Their response was to open their meeting houses for people to gather in silence and pray… and they held vigils in support of groups now living in fear. Quiet, powerful… a force for love and peace. No anger, no criticism… gentling the conflict.
My 90 year old mother has been angry with Trump the whole campaign. Get her started and she’d work herself into righteous anger. The day after the election, she had to take a taxi, and her driver was a Trump supporter. He was calm and friendly as he explained why he voted for Trump. My mother was able to listen to him without getting angry. It didn’t change her position, but she had a conversation rather than a battle. She’s still no fan of Trump, but it was a transformative experience.
So I began to reflect. Quiet meditation helps create a space for healing. But I want to do something more active. As a consultant, I encourage leaders in the workplace to fully listen to their staff and to difficult people. They don’t have to agree, but they do have to listen. Leaders need to focus both on the work and people’s relationships. I believe that if relationships are healthy and constructive, the work will get done.
I also teach conflict resolution and understanding the difference between positions and interests. Positions are what we say we want. Interests are the reasons we take our positions.
A healing strategy
I put all this together and came to the following: our task is to engage the “enemy”, and as Pogo once said… see that s/he is us. There are extremists on both sides, but the vast majority of us have principles we believe in, and see our respective leaders as the ones to best deliver that. It’s been said that Trump’s win was due to a great mass of people feeling left out of the political process and promised things that were never delivered. Many who didn’t really like Trump reached the point where a desperate change was the only option left.
Our conflicting positions pushed towards an “us vs them” world view. Each side became afraid of the “other”. The politicians state positions that they think will align with interests.
While you probably can’t support the positions of the other team, if you listen fully, you’ll see that you can support nearly all the interests of “the other side”. All of us want to be respected and listened to, to be able to support our families with dignity and safety, and all want to see our children and grandchildren prosper and grow.
The devil, as always, is in the details. The strategies proposed by the other side may feel threatening or wrong to us. Arguing about positions leads us back to war. Let’s move deeper, quickly to the world of interests.
How to do it?
How can two people with opposing moral views come to a position that both can support? It’s not easy, but for people of good will, it’s doable. It’s called building consensus through collaboration.
The first step is to build trust and mutual respect through strategic listening. This is not listening to “win” or listening to outsmart the other. It is listening to build a relationship, listening to people’s hearts – to their interests. If they state their positions, listen beyond that to interests. Ask questions… Why are they espousing that particular position(s)? Listen for what they are trying to achieve for themselves?
As we listen, we find they have the same needs we do – safety, security, community, and self-esteem. Strategic listening helps us recognize the humanity in each other, and begins to build trust and mutual respect. We shift from confrontation to side by side problem solving. To find a way forward that works for both. It’s not easy, but it is achievable, with the foundation of trust.
A call to action
Time is short and we need to start now. Each day as you come across people you disagree with, or people you don’t know at all, like a taxi driver, ask the difficult question – what do you think of the election results? If they support “the other side”, take a deep breath, center yourself and ask questions… what do they hope will happen as a result of the election (or what they had hoped would happen if the other side won). Listen carefully, they’ll be mixing positions (build a wall) with interests (have a decent job and make a living wage; have less crime, safer communities).
Ignore the positions and focus on the interests. Grab the ones you can support and tell them that you agree. That you have the same wishes. Repeat back the parts you can support. As you find trust growing, gently add one more piece – the “yes, and”. “Yes I agree that it would be great to have our cities be safer places, with fewer criminals.” (This is NOT the time to bring up gun control – that’s a position, not an interest!) Continue instead with, “and I think if we can bring our communities together we can find ways to make it safe for us and for immigrants, Muslims, and other frightened groups who are also living in fear.”
And leave it at that. You’ve begun to build a bridge. You’ve begun to show “the other side” that you are not the enemy, we are “us”. If we can all do this a little bit every day, we will build courage among ourselves and others. Courage that we don’t have to retreat to hate and war, we can struggle into light and love. Peace is hard work and until just now I didn’t see a way to achieve it without winning and defeating the enemy. I’m going to commit to trying this. I don’t know if I have the courage or the skill. I’ll find out.
I’d like to hear your take on this. Let me know what you think and let me know if you have some successes. Together we can slowly heal the world.
As Walt Kelly, Jr. the creator of the Pogo comic strip said:
“Traces of nobility, gentleness and courage persist in all people, do what we will to stamp out the trend. So, too, do those characteristics which are ugly…..There is no need to sally forth, for it remains true that those things which make us human are, curiously enough, always close at hand. Resolve then, that on this very ground, with small flags waving and tinny blast on tiny trumpets, we shall meet the enemy, and not only may he be ours, he may be us”.
P.S. I gave it a try and was only partially successful, my anger and negativity came through… I’ll keep trying and hope you will as well. I think it will get easier as time goes by.