In our last blog, we concluded our series on emotional intelligence, with the statement: If we can identify and address the feelings of others in a conflict situation, we can begin to find our way to some common understandings that in turn can lead to a positive resolution.
The key to this is strategic listening so you can really hear the full message – the words, the feelings and the motivation behind both (we also wrote an earlier blog on that). However, there is not a single best way to listen. One of the keys that makes your listening “strategic” is that you tailor it to the person and the situation.
Our T.E.A.M. Communication Styles® shows that different people prefer to be communicated with and listened to in different ways. To maximize your strategic listening, consider the T.E.A.M. differences. Some people want to be sure you heard all their details, others want to be sure you understood their feelings, others want you to just listen and say very little. It’s not easy to be a skilled listener! Read more about T.E.A.M. styles here.
As you listen, try to understand what is motivating the other person to act in a way you consider difficult. Even if they seem to want to give you a hard time… there’s a reason behind that. Fair or not, you need to understand this if you are going to deal with them successfully. You don’t have to agree with them, but you do need to understand them.
Surprisingly, their core motivation is often something you’d be willing to support. What you can’t support is the way they are trying to address it. For example, someone acting angrily with you is often feeling powerless or frustrated and has limited tools to deal with this. While you don’t support their anger and you may not support their request, you can certainly support their wanting to have reasonable influence (power) and limited frustration. Starting from there could lead you onto a more positive path.
Similarly, with someone who wants you to bend the rules so they can accomplish something they want (their goal). You don’t support their request, but you could support their goal and maybe help them find another way to accomplish this goal.
Difficult people are difficult, but if you have sharpened your emotional intelligence, made use of the T.E.A.M. filter and been a good listener, you can often find the positive person beneath the negative veneer and from there work collaboratively to solve the problem.
Let me know what kinds of difficult people you deal with and I’ll try to address that in a future issue. Alan@KriegerSolutions.com or comment below.
If you’d like to find out how we can directly help you deal more effectively with your difficult people, contact our Project Manager, Nicole O’Connor, at Nicole@KriegerSolutions.com.