When I developed my curriculum for teaching conflict resolution, I identified 7 negative feelings that underlie conflict. They are what turn a disagreement into a conflict. In a conflict, one or both parties feel at least 3 of the following feelings:
- Disrespected
- Unappreciated
- Isolated
- Treated unfairly
- Unsafe/fearful
- Powerless
- Overstressed
Take a minute and think back to a conflict you observed or were part of. How many of these feelings were present?
After teaching this for a few years, I realized if you flip it around, you’ve got the keys to good leadership. All you have to do is reverse these negative feelings and people will work happily for you. Wouldn’t you feel great if you felt your supervisor:
- respected and appreciated you
- made you feel part of a team
- treated you fairly
- was someone you could trust and you didn’t have to watch your back
- empowered you
- helped you keep your stress in check
This may seem like a tall order. Most supervisors have their hands full with their own work and can’t run around making sure everyone feels respected and appreciated all day! The good news is that you don’t have to run around and do this, you just have to be mindful in your interactions with staff that you act in a way that demonstrates these feelings. It does mean you have to take time to check in with your direct reports on a regular basis (more on that later). You have to let them know you noticed their work and appreciate the positive aspects. So that takes a little presence of mind, but not a lot of time.
Another simple thing you can do that lines up with all 7 feelings is actively listen to your employees and co-workers. Again, a little mindfulness — stopping, focusing and listening. People who are really listened to, especially by their boss, feel respected, appreciated, empowered, etc. Is this making sense?
And finally, our coaching approach to supervision combines these two strategies – it involves a lot of listening and guiding (empowering), not directing. And it involves some regular, short check ins to keep the relationship strong. We’ll write more about coaching in a future blog.
Now for the bad news. When you act respectful, appreciative, etc., you’re doing it in the way you believe demonstrates these qualities. The bad news is that people perceive your behavior in many different ways and so what you feel is respectful, may feel annoying to them! This can be due to cultural differences and differences in work styles. Two quick examples: giving someone a thumbs up to let them know you like their work can backfire if they’re from the Middle East – thumbs up means something very rude. You may think that taking time to check in with people and ask them about their family, etc. shows you care about them and will make them feel good. People with a highly task-oriented work style find these discussions distracting and a waste of time!
It would be impossible to memorize every cultural and work style nuance. And even if you did, you wouldn’t be able to follow all those rules! Instead, listen with your eyes as well as your ears. When you do something that you think will help motivate an employee and make them feel you think highly of them, watch their facial expression closely. If their eyes light up and they smile… you were right on target! If instead their face goes flat or they frown… then you’ve missed your goal. Make note of these and learn what motivates each of your employees and use that approach with them. It’s a bit more work, but it can make a huge difference in individual motivation and in working as a team.
Some people greatly value these conversations and would like them on a daily basis. At the other extreme are people who just want a quick hello and thanks and get out of my way and let me work. This can get confusing! We have developed a model that identifies four major work styles. Understanding these styles helps you figure out how each person wants to be approached and their communication preferences.
In future blogs I’ll explore the 4 styles and talk about tips to help you better connect with each style. One of the primary reasons people stay with or leave a job is the relationship with their supervisor. These 7 keys can make you a supervisor people want to stick with!
Let me know what you think – alan@KriegerSolutions.com
Scroll down to find the links to 4 follow up blogs!