While there are some people who are out to give you a hard time, most of the people you find difficult are really not trying to be difficult. They are working from a different premise. It’s these people that we’re going to focus on today. We’ll deal with bullies in a future issue.
Here’s a quick story to illustrate – someone who had been in one of my classes where we discussed the T.E.A.M. model said she had finally figured out how to deal with her boss. She said she was “mean” to her boss and everything is now great! Sounds backwards? I thought so so I asked her more about it. She said, “I’m an M and my boss is a T. I’m mean to my boss and we get along great!.” When I asked her what she did that was mean, she said, “I go in to my boss, I tell her what she needs to know, I get her instructions and I leave.” That’s perfect for a T, not mean at all!
Once she learned the T.E.A.M. styles, she was able to change her behavior appropriately, but it didn’t feel good to her, even though it felt good to her boss. That’s what I meant about not trying to be difficult. When her boss was direct and business like in communications, the secretary used to see that as being mean and rude (difficult), the boss was trying to be efficient and not waste the secretary’s time. When the secretary went into her boss and shared some social time, her boss saw that as wasting time (difficult), the secretary was trying to build a positive work environment.
Check out the video on our website to learn more about this model (go to T.E.A.M. model and scroll down half way), and see if you can identify the T.E.A.M. styles of your difficult people and then learn to view them as “different” not difficult. You’ll find that if you can change your behavior when interacting with them, the “difficulty” might just go away.
There’s another piece to difficult behavior and that’s the 7 negative feelings that underlie conflict. Think back to conflicts you’ve been in and I’m guessing you felt at least three of these feelings: disrespected, unappreciated, isolated, treated unfairly, unsafe/fearful, powerless, or overstressed. Many difficult people carry these feelings around with them all day. Therefore they either:
- become quickly defensive any time they perceive a slight
- take the offensive and attack before they can be attacked or position themselves as superior
- or become very negative and make negative statements all day
I’m guessing your difficult person fits in there somewhere. (Email me if not.) While it’s not your job to fix their feelings, you can make life easier for both of you if you take some simple steps to soften the negative perceptions:
- Attentive listening is a huge gift and reverses all 7 negative feelings at once!
- Asking for their opinion or input is another way to reverse these feelings – listen carefully to their response and find something in there you can agree with and highlight that.
- Be a bit more social if they’re more social and a bit more task oriented if they are.
- If they’re not good listeners, shorten your statements to them.
- If they ask a lot of questions, be patient and answer them and give them details without being asked.
While none of these are miracle cures, they should help you get along better with your difficult people and reduce the annoyance you feel. Let me know how this works for you.