As we noted in our December newsletter, difficult people are those who make it difficult for you to get your work done or make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe at work. The newsletter discussed ways to reduce the negative impact of difficult people, and while that can help a lot, it’s often not enough.
In this blog we’ll explore a number of strategies for dealing with and managing difficult people. The first one involves defusing a tense and angry person, helping them calm down and move to mutual problem solving. In future issues we’ll discuss how to confront difficult people in a constructive manner.
Many difficult people are angry or aggressive, others can be aggressively withdrawn (e.g. “cold shoulder”). In either case the first step is to try to build a connection with them. The best way to do this is through listening.
For someone who’s venting, quiet listening is all that’s needed at first. Just be present. You don’t have to solve their problems, just listen to them. Many difficult people feel unappreciated, disrespected, isolated, and not heard. They ramp up their response to make up for feelings of powerlessness and frustration. Listening addresses all these issues: they feel heard, appreciated, respected and more powerful. That helps them move from angry to calm. In the calm is where you can begin to work on problem solving.
The same is true for the aggressively quiet person. A little more effort is needed on your part – asking open ended questions, but not peppering them with questions. Or even paraphrasing in a tentative way the non-verbal message they are delivering. If you’re patient and sincere, most people will begin to respond. When they do, keep listening. Don’t solve their problem.
Once you’ve listened quietly, the next step is more listening, but active listening this time. Paraphrase/summarize what you heard and check out if you got it right. Ask more questions to more fully understand their perspective and their expectations. This is not an investigation of the facts, but eliciting how they see things and how they’d like it to be. Be sure you fully understand before you try to make your points.
Once they agree that you fully understand them, then you can begin to share your perspective, your concerns and your expectations. As you do, they may become agitated again, so quickly switch to listening. They’ll calm down again and you can start again, this time with a preamble – “I’ve just listened to you and gave you a chance to fully explain yourself. I’d appreciate it if you could listen to me and let me fully explain myself now.”
As you talk be sure to share areas where you both agree. Where possible build on their ideas instead of rejecting them outright. As you build a dialogue, look ask them for possible suggestions that could meet both your needs. If they draw a blank, then provide several options for them to consider and ask them to comment on them. Listen carefully to their response, paraphrase it, and look for common ground.
This will help in many, but not all circumstances. We’ll continue this blog with additional strategies. In the meantime, send me your thoughts, strategies and/or challenges. alan@KriegerSolutions.com