In our first blog on dealing with difficult people we talked about how to respond when someone confronts you. However, sometimes you have to confront the difficult person and that’s even more challenging! Here are some ideas:
Start by listening to them if they start talking as you approach them. It’s the best way to build a connection. When they pause, give them constructive feedback, cautiously. Constructive feedback is:
- Focused on behavior and impact
- Designed to move you to problem solving.
Focus on behavior and impact
Behavior: what they did and said, not what you think their intentions are or what kind of person they are. E.g.
Behavior: “You spoke in a loud voice, you used rude language, you interrupted me when I tried to speak”
Intentions: “You were rude, disrespectful, aggressive” (these are your opinion and promote defensiveness)
Kind of person: “You were unhelpful, out of control” (your opinion /promote defensiveness)
Behavior is something any objective observer would see or hear. Intentions are what you think is behind the behavior – why the person did what they did. You’re probably right, but you’re not a mind reader, so you can’t be sure, and you don’t really care about intentions. What makes a difficult person difficult is not their intentions, but that their behavior is disruptive or threatening.
Therefore, focus on the behavior and if that changes, you’re all set. Identifying the kind of person they are, while again probably accurate, is not helpful. It makes people more defensive and they may have another perspective and you can argue all day and not get anywhere.
Our strategy reduces arguments, reduces defensiveness and moves you closer to problem solving.
The other part of this is focusing on impact. Impact addresses the “so what” question – why the other person’s behavior is a problem. It may point both of you towards a novel solution.
E.g. “When you speak in a loud voice it disrupts other people at work”, or “it frightens people”, or “it makes me want to walk away and not talk with you”.
Focusing on the impact points to several possible solutions – the person can tone it down, other people can learn that the person just has a big voice and not be frightened, or you can supply ear plugs to everyone so they’re not distracted!
While getting the difficult person to change their behavior may be the best result, it isn’t the easiest solution, so it’s worth looking at alternatives:
- Are there things you can change in the environment (e.g. ear plugs, moving the person to a different location, setting up barriers, etc.)?
- Can you change yourself? Sometimes the difficult person is just annoying and we can learn to let it go and not bother us and no harm is done.
While this may seem “unfair” – “they’re being difficult and I should wear ear plugs???” – these strategies are easier than changing the difficult person and should be considered. If they would cause resentment, undermine productivity or in other ways continue to disrupt the workplace, then reject them and try to work directly with the difficult person.
Problem Solving
You’ve given them feedback – behavior and impact, now it’s time to make it constructive by solving the problem.
After delivering your carefully scripted feedback, most difficult people will still be defensive. (Less than if you gave them less helpful feedback, but defensive nonetheless.) So switch to listening, give them a chance to vent and think through what you said. Paraphrase whatever they say, whether it’s excuses, lies, insults or attacks (up to a point, if they’re being abusive, no need to continue the conversation). You’re not agreeing with them, just letting them know you heard them.
If necessary repeat your feedback and follow it with the problem solving segue… e.g.:
Feedback: “You spoke in a loud voice and used rude language. As a result I didn’t want to continue the conversation.” Segue: “Next time we have a disagreement, is there a way we can have a more constructive conversation?”
Note that we didn’t say, “Next time what can you do to control your temper?” That would be inflammatory and there may be something I say or do that irritates the other person, so it’s worth asking this more broadly and see where it goes. Keep listening actively and strategically as you facilitate the problem solving discussion and you may find your difficult person disappears and is replaced by someone more reasonable.
“Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?” Abraham Lincoln after the Civil War.
Please feel free to add your comments or questions below, or email me at alan@KriegerSolutions.com