Even when we give highly skilled, well thought out, constructive feedback… the recipient is likely to get defensive. At that point, they are no longer listening and we may call them “difficult” or “resistant”.  In our blog Giving feedback to a difficult person we provided tips for giving constructive feedback in difficult situations and using it to move to problem solving.  In this new blog we focus back on ourselves – how can we stay non-defensive and clear so we can better facilitate this dialogue?

When the recipient of our feedback gets defensive, s/he often goes on offense and attacks us or starts in with a litany of excuses that gets us riled up. They’re not listening… and now I’m not either!  Nothing good will come from this.

We can’t control the other person, but we can control our reaction.

  1. Stay focused on the goal of feedback – getting the other person to change their behavior
  2. Therefore, don’t get side tracked with excuses or by defending yourself
  3. Take a deep breath to get grounded (see more tips below)
  4. Listen quietly to help the person calm down
  5. Actively listen to prove that you’re listening (paraphrase)
  6. Apologize for any hurt feelings, focus on change not blame
  7. Ask open ended questions that guide you towards problem solving
  8. Keep control of the conversation by asking guiding, not leading questions
  9. Create an environment of trust and exploration

Tips to get grounded:

  • Stay focused on your goal not on their reaction
  • Focus for a few seconds on your breathing
  • Visualize a calming place (your favorite quiet vacation spot, a comfortable chair at home) and imagine yourself sinking into that
  • Count slowly to ten (silently and without moving your lips!!)
  • Visualize how nice this will be when the behavior changes

Tips for creating an environment of trust and exploration:

  • Stay calm, you’ll promote calm
  • Ask open ended, not leading questions… you’ll promote exploration
  • Maintain an attitude of curiousity… you’ll become less threatening
  • Acknowledge and accept all their excuses – that’s reality for them… AND retain a focus on your goal – behavior change – even if there are many challenges (their excuses)
  • If it’s still going badly, say that: “I’m sorry this isn’t going well, I’m trying to find a solution that can work for both of us.” And then listen again!

Next steps:

Don’t argue with them – a ping pong “yes you did – no I didn’t” conversation won’t help.

Try to tentatively paraphrase body language or ask questions about what’s happening right now, ease off the initial problem focus and focus on the immediate conflict:

  • You seem upset by this discussion…
  • Our views don’t seem to mesh…
  • (If they withdraw) What are you thinking/feeling?
  • How do you see the situation? (If they see negative intentions from you, try to restate your goals in a positive, win-win way… what’s in this for them?)
  • How would you like it to be?
  • Do you have any questions for me?
  • Do you see how others could interpret your behavior in the way I described?
  • What can you say to help me and others better understand your intentions?